Celebrating Friendships!

Nicola here. Today I’m celebrating the power of friendship as yesterday was International Friendship Day. The value of friendship has been recognised since people first walked the earth – and it’s pretty strong between some animals too and between humans and animals. Greek philosopher Herodotus wrote “Of all possessions, a friend is the most precious.” More recently, the lyrics of the song is the Toy Story movie say “We stick together and can see it through, ‘Cause you've got a friend in me.”

What is friendship, really? A dictionary definition calls it “a state of mutual trust and support” but it’s so much more complicated than that sounds. Some of us are lucky enough to have friends we have known since childhood, others from school or college. I’m part of a group of college friends who first came together almost 40 years ago and we still meet up twice a year as a group. It's lovely to have such enduring relationships with people I know so well and feel I can pick up with so easily. Then there are the other friends we make at different stages of our lives. You don’t even have to see each other that much, though when you do, it’s special. The Wenches are an amazing group of friends scattered across three continents; we don’t get the chance to see each other much but we’re so supportive of each other through the thick and thin of writing and life. In fact, being an author is a wonderful way to meet friends across the world, through readers’ and writers’ groups.

The older I have got the more I have come to see how special and valuable my friendships are. As an only child I was quite quiet and shy and didn’t make friends easily. I wasn’t even sure how friendship really worked for a long time but hopefully I’ve got the hang of it now. Psychologist Dr Suzanne Degges-White says: "True friendships are hallmarked by each member's desire to engage with the other – it's about mutual interest in one another's experiences and thoughts, as well as a sense of 'belongingness' and connection." So, friendship requires mutual support, trust and respect.

Some people feel that it’s more difficult to make new friends as you get older and certainly friendships can often start with a shared interest or activity, people who are at a similar stage in life, or who can bond over shared experiences. But I have a friend who makes friends very easily and it happens simply because she chats to people and is open to talking to anyone. She has no preconceptions about people and as a result has been rewarded with some unlikely but wonderful friendships.

What about friendships in fiction? Elizabeth Bennet is the sort of woman a lot of people would probably want as a friend. She funny, clever and loyal. She and her sister Jane are very close but the other striking friendship in Pride and Prejudice is between Elizabeth and Charlotte Lucas. It’s an interesting relationship because they are so very different and they also have a fundamentally different view of love and marriage. Charlotte is quick to accept Elizabeth’s rejected suitor Mr Collins in order to secure her own future and whilst Elizabeth is pretty appalled, she doesn’t hesitate to visit Charlotte and maintain the friendship.

Then there’s Merry and Pippin in Lord of the Rings, who are already friends in the Shire when they go on an adventure together. They have each other’s back all the way through and emerge as heroes through their loyalty and courage.

It’s no wonder that Winnie the Pooh in the UN’s World Ambassador of Friendship. Pooh, Piglet, Eeyore and Tigger have a wonderful bond. They show what it really means to be there for each other, as well as the importance of spending time together doing stuff – or doing nothing. Winnie the Pooh reminds us never to take one another for granted, and to cherish the people we love forever.

“It seemed they had always been, and would always be, friends. Time could change much, but not that.” — Winnie the Pooh

I’m currently reading a book called Thea and Denise which is about two female friends on a road trip to Northumberland, a sort of Northern England version of Thelma and Louise. It’s very thought provoking on the topic of friendships (as well as the menopause!) I also love the way that authors like Sarah Morgan and Jennifer Bernard write friendships. There's something about those relationships and the bonds between people that tells us a lot about human nature.

What does friendship mean to you? Do you have a favourite author who writes about friendship or a favourite series or book involving friends?

Comments

[theo]

I too was an only child, but I am the opposite of you. When I was 13, a new girl came to class after the year had started. I saw her sitting at the two seat table, walked over, plunked my books down, introduced myself and we've been friends for 50+ years. We're polar opposites on politics so we don't discuss them. We know each others likes, dislikes, limitations, fears... She lives in Austria now and I'm in Michigan so we communicate by email. When she comes back to the US, which she does a couple times a year, it's like we just saw each other yesterday. She's the sister I didn't have. I have a wonderful friend here as well and we get together often, other friends as well, but the sister of my heart, she's something special. I think that's a once in a lifetime friend.

[Mary Jo Putney]

Nicola, what a wonderful column to remind us about something so important. (And I had no idea that Winnie the Pooh was the World Ambassador of Friendship!)

Writing romance is as wonderful way to explore friendships. Most of my series are based on male friendships between men who needed friends, and who become closer than brothers. Women can do the same, and perhaps do it more often in real life. I love Theo's story of sitting down by the alone new girl, and they became friends for life. Wonderful!

[Nicola Cornick]

Hi Theo. I love that you have such a wonderful sister of the heart! I think it takes a lot of confidence as a small child to do what you did. It must have been meant from the start that the two of you should be special friends!

[Nicola Cornick]

Thank you, Mary Jo. Yes, wasn't that a wonderful story of Theo's! I love that your romantic fiction series feature such strong friendships as well as romantic relationships. I think it makes the books even more interesting to explore the different types of love and friendship.

[Kareni]

Thanks for a lovely piece, Nicola!

A book I read as a teen that showed me teen friendships as well as long lived adult friendships was Ruth Doan MacDougall's The Cheerleader. It was a book that I read and reread...and now fear rereading as I don't know whether it will live up to my memories.

[Nicola Cornick]

Kareni, I love that there are books like The Cheerleader that are so influential on us as children they really show the way. Maybe you're wise not to re-read and leave those special memories.

[Binnie Syril Braunstein]

Nicola - Two examples come immediately to mind: Anne Gracie's "Chance Sister," wherein 4 friends in extremis develop a friendship that turns though forged in desperation, into true siterhood. And Mary Jo's "Lost Lords" who support each other from their school days and throughout their lives.Another example would be Jayne Ann Krentz's "Sons of Salinas" series, where three orphaned brothers are rescued from a conflagration - and are re-born as the sons of the law officer who rescues them. I'll jus add that sometimes, the bonds of friendship are much stronger than the bonds of family. This topic hits very close to home. I am very blesssed in my friends.

[Nicola Cornick]

Thank you, Binnie. Friendships are so precious, aren't they, and those examples show how strong and special they can be.

[Constance]

Like Binnie Syril, the Chance Sisters came immediately to mind, but long before I met them, Anne of Green Gables and her friendship with Diana became my idea of true friendship. I first read Anne when I was 10, and I had never heard the term “kindred spirits” until then and it became my ideal. I am very, very lucky to have several kindred spirits in my life - we don’t always agree, and we have very differing personalities, but we are there for each other even though we are scattered across the globe. I should add that Zoom has been a wonderful help, especially over the last couple of years when none of us have traveled.

[Nicola Cornick]

I think perhaps having different personalities and opinions doesn't matter when you are kindred spirits, does it? We can be there for our friends regardless and that's true friendship.

[Annette N]

WOW! What a wonderful post. One of the really rotten things about getting old...other than things no longer work as they should...is that some friends are no longer here.
I don't know how that problem could be solved.

I hope that everyone is well and cool.

[Teresa Broderick]

I think Theo's story is wonderful and I would love to have a friend like that. I grew up with three brothers and all the kids my age on the road where I lived were boys. So I've always found it hard to make female friends. I had a good friend for many years but it fizzled out because I was the one who had to do all the running. I suppose now my husband is my best friend. We're on the same wavelength about a lot of things which is great.
This was a great post.

[Karin]

I am fortunate to have several friends from early childhood. We don't see each other often, but when we do, it's like we've never been apart. Then I have another set of friends from my teens and twenties. The Chance sisters and Mary Balogh's Survivor's Club series had great friend relationships. I see more examples of male friendships in historical romance than female, maybe because men got out in the world more and formed close friendships at boarding school or in the military. The heroine's closest friends are often her sisters, as in Pride and Prejudice. I've often thought that Madeline Hunter is one of the best at depicting male friendships, in a funny and realistic way. Her "Wicked" series is a good example.

[Anne Gracie]

Constance, that friendship between Anne Shirley and Diana gave rise to one of my all-time favorite lines: "But I don't have any long black dresses!"

We moved a lot when I was growing up, and it wasn't until I was 15 that I was able to stay at the same school for more than 2 years. And the friends I made then have lasted a lifetime.

I also have wonderful friends that I worked with — and the friendships lasted long after the job was gone. And as for the friends that I've made since becoming a romance writer — among them the wonderful word wenches — I really have been blessed there too..

[Nicola Cornick]

Thank you, Annette. I'm so happy you enjoyed it. Yes, you are right. Losing good friends is rotten.

[Nicola Cornick]

Theo's is a wonderful story of a friendship, isn't it, Teresa. I think it's hard when you are the person making all the running in any relationship. There comes a point when you have to decide if it's worth it. My husband is also my best friend, which is lovely.

[Nicola Cornick]

Male and female friendships in books are very different, aren't they. I love reading about both!

It's wonderful that you have such good, longstanding friendships, Karin. I always think that being able to pick up with a friend as though you haven't been apart is a sign of such a close relationship and is a blessing.