Bad in Bed

Bad in Bed

Beds are important in romances.  This is particularly true of sexy romances, where getting someone into bed is a euphemism for having sex.  Certainly beds are a lot more comfortable for intimate activities than prickly bushes or sandy beaches or swinging from chandeliers. (That last must require the skills of an acrobat!)

Even in sweet romances, sharing a bed is a symbol of marriage and partnership.  All true and important.  But what happens when the excitement is over and actual sleeping is attempted?

Sharing a bed can be very complicated. Partners who snore or who flop around like a fish on a hook can lead to sleeplessness and ruin your next day.  That can lead to separate bedrooms no matter how fond people are of each other.

These thoughts were inspired by talking with a friend who was shocked when her husband of twenty years suggested they get a king size bed. She's wanted that for YEARS, but her husband objected because she'd be too far away.  (There is truth to that--when we first acquired a king size bed I felt like I was crawling across the plains of Central Asia to find my favorite foot warmer.  Speaking of favorite  bed warmers, I recall a quote from Angela Lansbury where she said she spent a winter in Britain and it was so cold she had to get married. Makes perfect sense to me. <G>)

After years of resistance, my friend's husband thought it was time for a larger bed, and his decision was undoubted influenced by the fact that they have two small children and two dogs.  The children don't usually join them (though the younger can sneak in quieter than a mouse), but the dogs consider the bed mutual property.  The alpha girl dog sleeps smack between them. Husband recently tried to assert his authority as the man of the house, but the dog won. <G>

The same can be true of cats, though they take up much less space.  We've had up to four cats at a time on the bed, and they all have their own requirements and preferred locations.  Sleep specialists say not to sleep with pets.  This is utter nonsense, of course.  Pets are members of the family and some of them even purr. 

There are multitudes of bed conflicts. Sharing a bed with a blanket hog can be very annoying, especially on cold nights. Staying at B&Bs in the UK can mean being afflicted with small, slippery duvets the same dimensions as the top of the mattress.  The duvet is guaranteed to slide over the edge of the bed during the night, so the occupants must grope around on the floor to find it. And when the duvet returns, it may well dive over the OTHER side of the bed! 

Other common incompatibilities: 

One person wants a soft mattress, the other wants a very firm one.

One person is too hot and the other is too cold. 

One person is a night owl and the other is a (shudder) cheery lark of the morning.

Do you sleep in a tight little ball or are you a sprawler?  Probably most people do both sometimes, which suggests that a large bed is required, especially if two people want to sprawl at the same time.

Some people just plain don't like sharing a bed.  This isn't actually illegal so they're entitled to their preferences.  <G>

Modern technology has fixed the bed firmness issue because now there are mattresses with different densities or degrees of inflation. The hot/cold problem can be fixed with an electric blanket with dual controls. 

Owls and larks have a more challenging issue since circadian rhythms, our personal cycles of sleep and wakefulness, tend to be hardwired into us. 

Luckily, most problems can be solved if two people love each other, are adaptable,  and really enjoy sharing a bed.  Earplugs can help with snorers, having a king bed can put more distance from restless sleepers, and Owls and Larks can learn to slip into or out of beds very quietly. 

The effort is worth it because sharing a bed with a really compatible person can be one of life's great pleasures.  Compatibility isn't just about fixing a partner's annoying sleep habits, but also if there is a good energy flow.  In other words, do you relax and feel well around your sleeping partner?  If so, you've won the bedmate lottery!

What are your thoughts about sharing a bed with another being? I'm including pets in this!

Mary Jo

Comments

[Quantum]

I don't think that I would want pets in my bed .... cosy dreams could turn to nightmares if I should squash the cat and it bites or scratches, becoming a roaring tiger in dreamland.

I particularly like my electric bed with its tilts and vibro-massage. My wife also has an identical bed, bolted to mine so that they can be separately adjusted and also treated as a king size. She removes any need for electric blankets by radiating all sorts of benign energy, giving new meaning to my understanding of resonance!

[Christina Courtenay]

I had a small dog sleeping on my feet for 19 years and really miss him now he's gone! Miraculously, we never once had a disagreement over the space and managed to share amicably. As my feet tend to get very cold he was the ideal heater!

[Mary Jo Putney]

Quantum, it sounds as if you've aced this issue in both technological and emotional terms! Well done.

That vibro massage sounds worth exploring. I can say that in many years of sleeping with cats, there has been no biting or roaring, but I'm a light sleeper so maybe I wake up before conflicts go critical.

[Mary Jo Putney]

Christina, he sounds like the perfect bed mate! I'm so sorry he's gone. Maybe a new small dog needs to join your household???

[Misti]

I have been happily single in my bed for many years now and I kind of love it. I get to switch sides any night I want! As I am an aunt to some wonderful kids and pets, I've had both in my bed throughout the years. I sleep poorly when the kids breathe and move around, but the dogs are wonderful foot warmers.

[Kareni]

I am happy to share my life and queen size bed with my husband. When we've slept in a king size bed at a hotel, I've been known to call "hello over there!" as my husband seems very far away. Thanks for a fun post, Mary Jo!

[Mary T]

Nowadays my only bed companion is my cat. The dogs that I've had over the years, never wanted to get in the bed. Thank goodness, because they were all rather large.

However, my cats have always considered my bed - their bed. Usually, they kept a respectable distance from my person but my current fur baby feels she must sleep on top of me. I personally find this annoying.

Not as annoying as when the kids were little and would climb into bed with me. They usually slept sideways and would end up kicking me in my back. I miss those days (smile).

[Susan King]

What a great blog - and a fun topic! Great images too, Mary Jo.
I've always wanted a king-size bed, my King is a tall guy who sleeps long and wide and noisily, spreads out and snores, and I curl in the free territory hoping to retain some covers through the night. He needs a big bed.

The room is big enough to accommodate it and theoretically we could get it up the stairs, but so far we stick with the queen size. We'd need new blankets, new comforters, new pillows, all new sheet sets ... Besides, it's cozier ... and convenient for silencing snoring with an easy kick within reach. ;)

[KathrynK]

Our sleeping problems (he snored loud enough to pull the tiles down from the ceiling) were solved when he got put on a CPAP machine. Oh, blessed peace! Ear plugs weren't much help. But a queen bed is plenty big enough for us. A king is just way too big!

[Mary Jo Putney]

Misti, I'm glad you've found what you like best! In my single years, I really liked being able to sprawl over the whole bed. *G*

[Mary Jo Putney]

Kareni, I'm glad you enjoyed the blog. King size beds do seem WAY too wide when you're not used to them!

[Mary Jo Putney]

Mary T, good times in the past! One can't really blame the current cat from wanting to sleep on you because you're so nice and warm and cats are all about comfort. *G*

[Mary Jo Putney]

Susan, a new sized bed does require a lot of paraphernalia, but it does sound as if you could use a King sized model!

[Mary Jo Putney]

Kathryn, a CPAP is a miracle if someone needs it. Quieter and MUCH healthier!

[Janice]

Growing up, I never had to share a bedroom past the age of six, and we never shared a bed. The few times I've had to share a bed with another human the strangeness of it kept me awake all night. When cats or dogs shared the bed, I slept very well - and I didn't have to care what I looked like in the morning. (Back in the day one of Cosmopolitan's annually rotating articles was advice on the necessity of keeping a makeup kit under the bed so as to touch up before your partner awoke).

As I have grown older, silence keeps me awake. Random noise from other apartments keeps me awake. The radio keeps me awake. Music keeps me awake. Minor aches and pains keep me awake. I fall asleep to audiobooks, but I've never met a man who wanted to listen to Georgette Heyer -- over and over again :)

[Mary Jo Putney]

Janice, LOL about Cosmo's advice to keep a make-up kit at hand!!!! The world has improved in some ways, but it's a sad commentary on modern life that there's dearth of men willing to listen to Georgette Heyer audiobooks.

[Vicki L]

My husband developed restless leg syndrome about 15 years ago so sleeping in a bed with him is impossible. Except when we are camping. Because a camper mattress is foam on a plywood surface (it is surprisingly comfortable) so it doesn't bounce. He jerks and jumps all night long which makes a traditional mattress bounce up and down all night long as well.. He occasionally causes the camper to bounce as well but that is easier to sleep through. I only notice it if I'm still awake when it happens.

Unfortunately, there is nothing that can be done to stop the issue. I remember one place we were staying we had a huge king size bed and I decided sleeping on the floor was MUCH more restful. When we travel, there have to be 2 beds in the room so we both get some sleep.

I've never shared with pets but with sisters (adult and when small), small children, and the stray human here and there. Snorers can be poked. Covers can be stolen back. None of them were bed bouncers like my husband!

[Janice]

I am sure I could find that Cosmo article, they repeated it so often. My favorite part was the one where you had to sneak out of bed and tiptoe to the bathroom if your glued on eyelashes had come loose and you had to fix that.

Had I been a guy, I would have wondered, my God, doesn't this woman wash her face at night? Where else doesn't she wash? :)

[Leah]

Interesting topic, and not usually talked about. My husband and I sleep in different beds. We started by getting a king, then when our son was about 2 he moved in and displaced my husband…lol. But after that, we have found that we don’t sleep well together. He needs a lot of space to sprawl and moves a lot. And I find that his “energy” doesn’t let me rest peacefully. This doesn’t mean we don’t have intimacy. We do, but after that is everyone to their own beds! Lol

[Mary M.]

Friends of mine (both 6+ footers and built proportionally) had a freakish "event" one night when both rolled to the middle of the bed at the same time—right onto their cat. The cat in question was a Siamese, need I say more?

As for me, I'm a window-wiper side sleeper: I switch sides several times a night. Fortunately, it doesn't bother my clutched teddy bear at all!

[Margot]

Interesting topic. My husband had a king bed when we first met - it was built up on a loft as his condo had high ceilings. Under it was his little workshop for whatever he was into at the time. From there we moved into a townhouse and bought a king bed. Over the years we shared it with our daughter, and one or two cats. He did snore but a poke to make him reposition himself was all I had to do.
Now that I am a widow and still sleep in the same bed, I miss him so much. I wish I could hear a snore or two. When he needed to be cared for by Hospice and me at home, he asked if it would be all right if he died next to me in our bed. I was fine with that. I also lost my last cat in summer, so now the bed is just for me, and piles of books sit on top of the covers on his side.
I loved sharing the bed with my family of humans and pets.

[Annette N]

When I was a child, my paternal grandmother told me that I would never find anyone to love me if I allowed my dog to sleep with me. She definitely did not like pets of any sort,..but she had 9 children and then me....so maybe she simply had no time left for pets.

I have 2 children who allow their pets to sleep with them.....and I sleep in a bed alone. No, it was not me sleeping with me dog that caused me to be alone. He had a huge problem sleeping alone. Just never found the hang of it.

I hope everyone is well and safe and happy.

[Kareni]

My sympathies, Margot.

My husband has a sound machine that has different nature sounds that he uses every night. We've sometimes joked that someone could make a sound machine with the sounds of police and firetruck sirens, fireworks, car alarms, jackhammers, lawnmowers, and the occasional gun shot ... the urban sound machine. Perhaps there is a market for a sound machine with a snoring soundtrack!

[MrsSW]

I was looking through a list of the "Alexa" sleep sounds and there was a snoring one and a city sounds one on there.

[Mary Jo Putney]

Mary M, poor kitty! I hope it wasn't hurt. Being a Siamese, I'm sure it made its irritation loudly!

I've never heard the term 'window wiper side sleeper" before, but it definitely describes me!

[Mary Jo Putney]

FAKE EYELASHES??!!!! So many possible ways they could go wrong on a date. What a terrible era of history that was, and not so very long ago!

[Mary Jo Putney]

Oh, my, Vicki. I trust that he has redeeming qualities!

[Mary Jo Putney]

Leah, it's very wise of you to figure out what workds best for you, and then do it!

[Mary Jo Putney]

I'm so sorry for your loss, Margot. It's hard to replace husbands, but there are lots of nice cats that could use a good home...

[Mary Jo Putney]

Annette, nine children would definitely leave no time for pets!

I echo your good wishes that we're all well and safe and happy. 2022 hasn't started brilliantly, but there's plenty of time ahead for things to get better.

[Kareni]

That is fun to know, @MrsSW!

[LilMissMolly]

Great post! I lived the first dozen years of my married life in California where most bedrooms had barely the room for a queen sized bed and one small end table (forget a dresser, which was kept in another bedroom). When we moved to Ohio, where bedrooms were much more spacious, we talked about getting a king sized bed but decided not to since it would mean buying new sheets and comforters. Now that my husband and I are much larger than we used to be, we did buy a nice King size down comforter for our queen size bed, which helps with the "comforter hog" issue as each of us still enjoys covers draped across us throughout the night. :D

[Mary Jo Putney]

LilMissMolly, a nice wide drapey king comforter is a very good way to feel very well covered and cozified in a queen size bed!

[Margot]

Thanks for the thoughts on sound effects. I do not think I need any of those. I now live in the country where it is quiet - a train in the distance, winds blowing, rooster in the mornings and all day long too. If I need added sounds I will turn on music.

Yes, cats are always available. I know of several shelters that would give me a family of cats to love. Just knowing that is good for now.

[Faith Freewoman]

As you can already tell from the number of responses, this is a WONDERFUL blog post...and surprisingly thought-provoking (surprising for me, anyway...).

And I am definitely adding the word "cozified" to my vocabulary.

Cheers, Faith

[Mary Jo Putney]

Faith, I'm glad you enjoyed the post! It was one of those ideas that just popped when I was talking to my friend about her bed, husband, and dog, and it occurred to me that actual sleeping together isn't discussed often.

I think I invented 'cozified,': feel free to have fun with it!

[Gail Daley]

Over the years my husband and I have worked out a sort of treaty (He is the kind who messes up the bed--tears the sheets and covers out of where they have been tucked in and ends up with them in a wadded up ball). I on the other hand sleep like the Princess and the Pea--everything has to be just so or I'm too uncomfortable to sleep. The first week we were married we kept each other awake (and NOT having sex!) because he would mess up the bed and I would wake up and remake it--thus waking him up!

[Mary Jo Putney]

Gail, I'm glad you and your husband were able to negotiate a treaty so you could share a bed. I'm like you and prefer that the sheets and blankets are smooth and orderly. I'd go nuts trying share trying to sleep with someone who rips everything up into wadded balls! This could easily have become separate beds territory, so it's a tribute to you and your husband that you managed to work it out.

[Anne Hardy]

My husband and I were not compatible bed partners - he went to bed early, woke up early and snored terribly, while I am a night owl; I slept turned away from him to avoid being disturbed. My cat(s) always slept curled against me. Now that I am separated, I enjoy spreading out across my bed and sharing it only with the cats. At least one of them spends at least part of the night on my pillow, curled against my side or on my robe at the foot of my bed. The other tends to spend the night on my daughter's pillow, but sometimes comes to visit me instead.

[Carol Stock]

My wire haired dachshund sleeps at the top of my head, my long hair dachshund sleeps on her back with her nose sticking out of the covers, in between my husband and myself and I wouldn’t have it any other way

[Mary Jo Putney]

Carol, this sounds PERFECT! I've always had a special fondness for dachshunds.