Brief Encounters

by Mary Jo

Recently I saw an article in the Sunday feature section of the local newspaper about a book called When Strangers Meet: How People You Don't Know Can Transform You.  Written by Kio Stark, a writer and teacher, the book is the text of a short TED talk  she gave; you can listen to it here directly.

Her basic thesis is that brief friendly interactions with strangers enrich our lives and create a better sense of community.  (This is particularly valuable in a world of people who are glued to their electronic devices!)

The reason the article so delighted me was because I've been talking to strangers my whole life.  I come by this habit honestly--my mother did it, my big sister does it, and I do, too.  

Talking to strangers usually leaves me with a smile, but the basic reason I do it is because people are so interesting!  You don't have to be an extrovert to talk to a stranger--I'm a card carrying introvert.  All you need is a genuine interest in others, and a situation that makes it possible to chat a bit.  

One reason the weather is discussed so much is because it's a neutral topic that everyone shares because as we know that the rain falleth upon just and unjust alike.  And we just about all have opinions about the weather!  

"Is spring ever going to come?"  
"Hot enough for you?"  
"Isn't it gorgeous out today?"

The other person smiles and says "I hope we get more like this!" and for a moment, you're connected.  Talking about weather is a benign, non-threatening way to say "I see you and wish you well."  

But one of the best things about talking to strangers is their stories.  I once read that every person you've ever met has at least one story that will stop your heart, and I suspect that's true--I've heard stories like that though generally they won't come up in casual conversation.  
    
Happy stories emerge more easily.   One such occurred in the grocery line at my local grocery store.  (A lot of my interactions happen in grocery lines.  I need to get out more.)

At any rate, this was a few days before Christmas and the store was busy.  I had a middling number of items in my cart, so when a woman in the store uniform joined the line with one small item that was clearly intended to be her lunch, I said she could go ahead of me because her lunch break would not be a long one.

She thanked me, and then the next woman ahead of me also invited the employee to move ahead of her.  With good will abounding, the three of us started to chat.  The woman in line ahead of me turned out to be an elementary teacher.

That brought on the topic of kids so the employee started talking about her ten year old son, and we learned that she'd had multiple miscarriages and feared she'd never have a child.  Then at forty she got a call from a hospital saying this infant needed a home, and now he's hers.  He's the joy of her life, and she's a joyous woman.  I'm sure there was more to the adoption end of this, but that was the core of her story.  Lucky baby, lucky woman!  And now when I see her in the store, we smile at each other and say hi.  

Most interactions are shorter, but that doesn't mean they aren't real.  As Kio Stark says, you learn when it's okay to say something casual and friendly, and when it's not.  The trick is to talk to someone, not at them.  And to be sincere--to mean what you say.

A small compliment that's genuine can be a real day brightener.  If I see someone (probably at the grocery store) wearing a beautiful necklace, I might say "What a lovely necklace!"  And she smiles and I smile back and for a bright moment, we see each other.

Today I was getting my hair done at my usual place and woman came in with a totally gorgeous golden retriever seeing eye dog named Dolly.  I know better than to talk to a service dog without permission, but the woman and I checked out at the same time, so I mentioned how lovely and patient her dog was, and how surely the dog is a real people magnet.  The owner said yes, when she used to go out with a white cane, people would move out of her way but they never talked to her. Now they talk to her, and to Dolly as well.  (Dogs and babies are total people magnets. <G>)

What about you?  Do you slide into casual chat with strangers?  Have you had memorable brief encounters that brightened your day, or allowed you to brighten someone else's day?  Mutual brightening? 

Please tell me about them!  Because I love listening.  

Mary Jo

Comments

[Sharon Osenga]

My favorite encounter was when doing laundry in a tiny Welsh village. I got to chatting with the other ladies there and one of them opened up to me and shared about the recent death of her son due to illness and what a toll it took on her family. She thanked me for listening and commented on how open and friendly Americans were compared to the British and Welsh. It is encounters such as these that keep me traveling!

[Mary T]

While I cannot remember the specifics, I have had some really emotionally moving conversations with strangers in hospital waiting rooms. Whether it is a plane, train, or bus ride, or a dental/doctor waiting room, etc., I would much prefer to talk to someone than sit next to someone on an electronic devise while I leaf through a magazine.

[StephanieL]

I'm a terrible person probably. I actually try to avoid conversations with strangers because I never know what to say (Mr. Darcy and I are twins from way back). When some person like you says "Wow, it's windy today" I usually smile and agree but that's it. I just can't chat. If it's any consolation, it takes me awhile with people I've been introduced to as well, soooo LOL I will say that one particular moment sticks out to me. I was in a store, looking for slacks, and two women nearby started small talk and then one stated that her child had just been diagnosed with a disease and the other responded with empathy because she had lost a child to the same disease. They began to discuss the disease and to cry on each others shoulder. All I could do was to shift myself and block the aisle and keep others from interrupting. They both needed that moment and though I couldn't contribute (and wouldn't! eek!) I wanted them to have time to share without being bothered. I think of that occasionally and wish social anxiety didn't lock my jaw.

[Mary Jo Putney]

Sharon, what a wonderful example from the "story that will break your heart" category. It was a blessing for that woman that you were there.

[Mary Jo Putney]

StephanieL, in that moment you did what needed to be done. I'd say that puts credit in your social interactivity account.

[Vicki L.]

I think grocery store lines are more conducive to chatting than other lines. Thinking back, I do have more chats with people in line there than anywhere else. And I get out to a fair amount of stores - which is good and bad.

But there is also friendly chat while traveling (not necessarily on the plane). Those can be fun conversations and very informative.

Plus, chats with meter readers and gas line installation checkers (just had one of those last week). The chat ended up being about non-greasy lotion to protect hands. Who would of thought I would have that conversation with a strange man - grin.

It is interesting how you can have those moments of connection in odd places. Sometimes I don't actually have a conversation but I hear someone talking or interacting with their child and I can't help but laugh or exchange an eye roll with the adult. Or a brief comment like, "He certainly is a live wire".

Or I'm having the conversation and they do the laugh/eye roll.

I never used to talk to strangers much but it appears as I get older/more comfortable with the world, I do it more. And will even initiate the conversation.

StephanieL, you might not have be able to chat but you did the best possible thing that day...you let two people chat who NEEDED to connect in the worst way.

[Patricia Franzino]

This happens all the time. I tend to be empathic and can feel when someone needs to talk. If I feel well and have the energy, I usually end up in conversation on serious subjects. Many times in health food stores I've had detailed conversations about what I eat with someone who is just beginning to change a diet and needs feedback.

This past Thanksgiving I spoke to three people seated around me at a vegetarian/vegan meetup. We spoke about life-changing episodes in our lives. We had just met at that particular time.

[Patricia Rice]

Idle chatter is about the only thing I can do with strangers. But a smile and a compliment can go a long way. We should all practice that.

[Anne Gracie]

I was on a tram (ie trolleycar) once that was delayed for ages by some obstruction up ahead. The frustration and shared worry about not making our appointments/missing our train etc. From speculating about the cause of the delay and sharing what we were fretting about, some of us got talking. I was heading to give a talk to a fiction-writing class and had taken some books for show-and-tell. One lady commented on them (visible in an open bag.) We got talking. She was from a country town I knew, and knew a friend of mine there. I ended up giving her a book, she wrote to me after she'd read it and we still exchange occasional emails. And I made my talk and she made her train.

[Lillian Marek]

I generally enjoy chatting with strangers, and I find it's safer now that I'm definitely in the older class. I can remember when I was young getting trapped on a train or plane next to some creep who kept wanting to make suggestive comments or somebody who had definitely had too much to drink. There are unexpected advantages to aging. ;-)

[Kareni]

I've had some enjoyable chats with strangers. On a recent train trip, I sat next to a stranger who asked as part of the conversation if I liked to play games. (We each were carrying one.) We moved to the dining car, invited another stranger to join us, and had fun playing games and chatting for a few hours.

On my return train ride, I ended up chatting with a young man who had been teaching English in Vietnam and who was now visiting the US. (I was sorry that my daughter who is teaching English in South Korea wasn't there to chat, too.) Our conversation was far ranging and at one point I said we'd already talked about politics and religion, so we should probably talk about sex, too. (Admittedly this sounds much stranger now than it did then!) We ended up talking about attitudes towards homosexuality in Vietnam and in my current home town.

I'm always a little sad when I hear parents cautioning their children, "Don't talk to strangers." I far prefer the message a parenting educator recommended to me which is, "Don't go anywhere without first speaking to the person in charge." The person in charge might be parent, teacher, or babysitter.

I'm reminded, too, of the saying "A stranger is just a friend I've yet to meet." All of my friends were once strangers.

[Mary Jo Putney]

LOL about the non-greasy lotion, Vicki. *G* You sounds like an experienced chatter up strangers person, and I hope someday we turn up in the same grocery line!

[Mary Jo Putney]

Patricia, that empathy is the key, I think. It's part of being interested in those around us, and it can lead to wonderful discussions. As you know.

[Mary Jo Putney]

Pat, the more positive energy we put out, the better.

[Mary Jo Putney]

What fun, Anne! Particularly since you did make your speech and she did catch her train.

[Mary Jo Putney]

Lillian, I've noticed. *G* Gender can complicate the chatting with strangers dynamic. Nice men may be justly concerned that a friendly smile or comment may be taken as creepy or threatening. Paying attention is important on both sides.

[Mary Jo Putney]

Kareni, I agree on all points. One can have the most FASCINATING discussions with strangers who could become friends. A pity your daughter wasn't there.

[Nancy]

I often talk to people on the bus and train of my commute. I see them more than I do family. I spoke to a woman on the train about something innocuous and discovered she is from Pakistan, teaches science as a substitute teacher and that no one had spoken to her before , perhaps because she wore a headscarf.
Today a taciturn man with whom I had shared an elevator for 10 years-- rarely sharing even a good morning (his choice. It is 6:30 AM and he might need his coffee. Though he seldom spoke , he usually made sure the elevator was held if I was slow.) suddenly said" We've shared an elevator for years. Today is my last day." I congratulated him on his retirement. One can meet interesting people just by being friendly. Of course, one can also make a son roll his eyes and say "Mother, I can't take you anywhere."

[Karin]

I'm not very much for starting up conversations in public, but my husband is. He has a knack for making friends, mostly by joking around with people and they always remember him...so at this point it's rare to go to the mall or beach or anywhere in the neighborhood without bumping into someone who knows him. I mostly just listen in, but it always adds a bit of fun to the day when these encounters happen.

[Margaret]

My husband and my children roll their eyes at my tendency to talk to people at the drop of a hat (and really, a dropped hat would certainly give you reason to say hello, right?). I raised my children in the midst of warnings about "STRANGER DANGER," but I always told them that there are far more good people in the world than bad peiople, and that if they ever needed help, they just had to open their mouths and ask, and someone good would appear. And you're right, Mary Jo, EVERYONE has at least one good story.

[Annette Naish]

I talk to people. Any people, anywhere.

The most moving - on a plane on an Easter morning during the Viet Nam War. I was in a seat by myself with 2 giant bunnies next to me. A young man in uniform sat down because he wanted to talk about the bunnies. He was flying to Arkansas, and I would get off in Dallas. And then he started talking about what he had been doing in Viet Nam. He was a helicopter pilot who flew into dangerous situations to pick up the wounded. And then he began to cry. He talked about the pain he felt when some of the wounded did not make it back to base. He wept because he had seen too much.

I like to believe that by the time he got home, he would be able to feel better when dealing with the "world".

I talk to people in grocery lines, on planes, passing them in stores or on the street. If I see a lovely blouse or dress or shirt or whatever, I say so. I know that if someone is reminded that they are seen by someone and that someone thinks they look nice, that is a plus.

I am an older woman, and I know that many times I am invisible. ( I have always thought I could rob a bank and no one would be able to identify me, because no one saw me) So, I especially want to let other people know that I recognize them as a real person.

Talking to everyone has been a blessing to me, and I have passed the blessing on to my children. We never know what we will learn by talking to strangers.

[Sue McCormick]

I do talk to people; mostly to give them compliments, but also in response to question they ask. I don't have any special stories, but the encounters always make me feel warm.

[Mary Jo Putney]

Nancy, your son doesn't properly appreciate you! How lovely that you talked to the science teacher that no one else had ever talked to. And it's nice that Mr. Taciturn spoke up to say that he was leaving, since he must have recognized that you might wonder what happened to him. This way you could give him a friendly send off to retirement.

[Mary Jo Putney]

Karin, if you don't want to talk to strangers yourself, marrying someone who does is a perfect Plan B. *G*

[Mary Jo Putney]

Margaret, you're right that a dropped hat would be a good conversation starter. *G* Aren't the stories wonderful?

[Mary Jo Putney]

Annette, you and I are clearly of the same tribe! How good that you could be the safe listener for that young helicopter pilot. I hope he got through the war and was able to deal with all he saw after.

[Mary Jo Putney]

Sue, the world needs more sincere compliments. Good for you for adding to net positivity quotient!

[Francie Cissell]

I talk to people. All people. I never turn away from anyone. A smile and a kind word, a smile and a nod to acknowledge to a stranger that I see them, that they are not invisible. Such simple things to do and so many people, most people, don't. The pretend they don't see the person obviously going through chemo, or a person with a special needs child. A boy with Down's Syndrome took my hat off my head once, he liked it, he wanted it and I tried to give it to him, but his mother made him give it back to me. On my way out, I saw them having lunch. As I passed by, I put my hat on his head.

[Mary Jo Putney]

Awww, Francie! it's lovely that you talk to so many people, but I particularly love the story of the boy and the hat. *G*