Birth Order: Truth or Myth?

By Nicola

A few days ago we were having dinner with friends when the conversation turned to a mutual acquaintance. "I find her very difficult to like," one friend said. "She's very spoilt..."

"Self-absorbed," another agreed. "She doesn't share, she's opinionated and she never listens to other people's views..."

And then the killer line. "Of course, it's not surprising because she's an only child..."

There was a silence for a moment and then my husband said: "Nicola is an only child."

Another silence. Then lots of people talking at once: "Oh well, you're the exception that proves the rule..."

It was lucky they said that because otherwise they would have been wearing the delicious apricot and vanilla pudding I had made rather than eating it, and if that's spoilt behaviour then I put my hand up.

It wasn't the first time I had come up against prejudice against only children but it was the most blatant example and it certainly made me think. As a writer I have sometimes used birth order when I've been fleshing out my characters. The heroine of my next book, Whisper of Scandal, is the eldest of three girls and makes a spectacular escape from caring for her younger sisters by running off with an out-and-out cad. In one of my early books there was some vicious sibling rivalry going on between two sisters.

Generalisations about birth order include:

The most responsiblity is given to the eldest child. They develop strong leadership qualities. However they also have to bear the brunt of strong parental supervision and heavy parental expectations. Most family photo albums apparently feature twice as many pictures of the eldest child as of their siblings, particularly when they are babies or toddlers. They are the trailblazers. Famous firstborn children include Winston Churchill, EM Forster, Danielle Steel,  - and David Copperfield.

The middle child or children can get squeezed out. They are born into a competitive atmosphere and often behave in the opposite way to the eldest. If the eldest is a high-achiever they may be a trouble-maker, choosing to make their mark in unconventional ways. if the eldest is academic, they will turn to another area in which to excel. They can also be the peace-maker and the one with the most friends. Famous middle children include Princess Diana, Henry VIII and Bill Gates.

The youngest is supposedly indulged and spoiled, the baby of the family who can get away with all the things that their siblings could not.  I found it quite difficult to find a list of famous youngest children when I was searching, which was a bit puzzling. The whole birth order thing seems to be skewed to proving its own point ie that it's the firstborn who become famous.

So what do you think? Are you an only, a firstborn or one of a big family? How has that affected you? What about twins? And are theories like birth order useful tools for a writer in developing character or simply too stereotypical?

Nicola

Out Now in the UK: Loves Me Loves Me Not with a copy to be won on my website!

Comments

[Maggie Robinson/Margaret Rowe]

I'm an only child. I'll never forget the day I had lunch at my next-door neighbors and she fixed me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on SEEDED RYE BREAD. I would not eat it and she called me a spoiled brat, went on about me being an only child (she had 2 kids, who ate their sandwiches). Maybe I was spoiled as a kid, but I wound up having four children of my own, so typically I don't think of myself first anymore. :)

[Linda Banche]

Well, I've seen only children who were the worst spoiled brats, but then I've also seen whole families full of spoiled brats. One mother, herself a spoiled brat when she was a kid, raised her only child as a spoiled brat, and then she wondered why the child turned out the way she did.

I also think adults call kids names whenever the kids don't want to do things the adults' way. Kids need guidance, but the adults aren't always right, either. I'm the oldest, and oh, so responsible. I wish I'd spent more time challenging the adults.

[Nicola Cornick]

LOL, Maggie, how interesting that a preference for certain foodstuffs could be interpreted as a character defect! Linda, I think you're right. You don't have to be an only child to be a spoiled brat! My dh is an oldest child as well and he says he was always the responsible one.

I'm a third generation only child. Apparently my grandfather was practically worshipped a child because his parents had given up hope of a family. Then he spoiled my mother rotten in turn. Naturally I was completely different!

[Beth Elliott]

First child or eldest child is much the same thing - all the attention and discipline, expectations are focused on them. And the only child is used to living in an adult-centred world. The parents are usually more relaxed when younger children arrive, so the child is less anxious to be perfect and is more into enjoyment without so much responsibility.
In fairy stories it's usually the third son or daughter who succeeds in the quest or task.

[liz m]

I think birth order begins to mean less when there are split families (Dad starts a second family, etc) and where the age differences are smaller. Where the age differences are five years or more, I do see a definite truth to the statements. It's interesting that my first born hangs out mostly with other first borns, as I hung out with firsts and onlys, and my second born hangs out mostly with seconds and later - obviously there is some commonality of experience that speaks to them.

[AnimeJune]

Also - as an eldest child myself - we're the guinea-pigs for our mums' and dads' parenting techniques. Whatever doesn't work on me, they never did to my sisters, etc.

However, I never got too many pressures or responsibilities, probably because I was a really weird child. :D

My middle sister is extremely competitive and very different from me, that's true. And youngest IS the baby. I guess I fit the mold more or less.

I'd love to read a romance where the siblings ACTUALLY FIGHT - and I mean all-out, hurtful, uncaring bitchfights - but without making one of the sibs an obvious villain. Siblings CAN fight but still be close.

[Nicola Cornick]

That's very interesting about the third son or daughter succeeding with the quest in fairy stories, Beth. I hadn't heard that.

Interesting too that commonality of experience draws first and second children together, Liz. Now I think about it, two of my closest friends at school were onlies like me. I did find a site that gave you your supposed best match for a romantic relationship eg only children with second or third children, firstborn don't marry another firstborn unless you want fireworks, etc!

[Nicola Cornick]

LOL, AnimeJune, at the really weird child! I'm intrigued at the idea of all-out fighting between siblings in a romance. There must be a very deep bond that can still sustain siblings who fight that badly.

[Phyllis]

i have a really good book around here somewhere called "Born to Rebel: Birth Order, Family Dynamics, and Creative Lives" by Frank J. Sulloway, which fleshes all the stereotypes and tendencies out a lot more.

First children tend to be more conservative - in the sense that they agree with their parents (The Communist terrorist, the Jackal was first-born. His younger siblings rebelled by becoming businessmen...).

Middle children tend to be peace-makers.

Youngest tend to rebel more and travel further (think Charles Darwin, think major figures in the American and Frech revolutions)

Only children skew toward first-child status, though with more rebellion and travel.

Th basic thesis is that each child is trying to carve out his/her place in the family and trying to be different from siblings so they don't disappear relative to the older siblings who have already got their 'thing'.

All very simplified and with full admission of exceptions, of course...

I don't think only children are any more spoiled than anyone else. If you don't like seeded rye bread and no one ever fed it to you before, then you're not about to eat it, right? And that parent who told Maggie she was spoiled should be shot...

[Lyn S]

I realized how bad birth order could be when we were decorating the Christmas tree. My daughter (2nd born of two) realized that there were tons of baby ornaments for 1986 (my son was the first born grandchild on both sides), but almost no 1993 ornaments (her year). I gave up on my son's baby book so at least she can't complain that her's is undone.
Lyn S

[NinaP]

Cool post Nicola!

There has never been a doubt in my mind that birth-order is more fact than fiction. I am the first of nine... need I say more :-)

[Nicola Cornick]

Oh my, Nina, NINE? And Lyn, I guess your daughter's experience with the Christmas tree ornaments reflects that comment I saw about the photo albums and all the pictures of the firstborn. I remember that when my first nephew was born, all the grandparents rushed to visit because he was the firstborn grandchild on both sides. When the second one came along no one went to see him for about 2 weeks! Then when the first girl was born it happened all over again!

[Nicola Cornick]

Thanks for mentioning the Sulloway book, Phyllis. I will look out for that. Plenty of food for thought there. I like that the third child tends to travel more. My sister-in-law certainly bears that out!

[Kathy Kremer]

I'm an oldest. I had to help with the younger kids, set a good example etc. I had a younger brother who had a lot of problems, so I felt I had to be "extra good" because Mom and Dad were so busy and stressed by him. Many nurses (myself included) are eldest- natural caregivers.

I have 3 children myself and the comments about how each child has less documentation is accurate. It's not that you love them less, it's just that there is less time for anything but doing what's absolutely necessary to keep the household running. Its also true that parents with more than one child are more relaxed and more willing to let the child be who he/she is and not try to conform the child to a pre-set idea of what should be. Many times in dealing with our firstborn, we had to ask ourselves whether we were expecting too much from a child of that age.

[Andrea Penrose]

Fascinating post, Nicola. I am a middle child, but the only girl so I think I was sort of a hybrid. My mother and I had a pretty special bond, and in some ways I felt like an "only child" But never did I think of myself as spoiled. Not with two brothers banging me around!

I tend to be quiet and reserved, which I'm told is a very "middle" child trait . . . but then, I've also heard that middles can rebel to get attention. Go figure! I'm not too sure that generalizations can be made—all family dynamics are so different, I know plenty of "onlys" who are the kindest, most considerate perople in the world (Nicola, are you reading this, LOL)

[NinaP]

Yup, Nicola, nine. Seven girls, two boys. All from the same two parents. My youngest sister was born a year after I graduated high-school. Is there any wonder I have an only child? (unless you count the dogs. :-) )

[theo]

I too, am an only. I was a late in life baby for the era I was born. My father was 47 and my mother 36. I was an only. We were pretty poor, so the opportunity to spoil was never there. At least on my parent's side. My aunt married a very wealthy man and she tended to spoil me, but because she had no children of her own. So the three or four times a year I saw her, it was always like Christmas for me.

I am in many ways the typical first child. Assertive, focused, single-minded, but I'm also a pleaser and someone who will give you the shirt off my back (to the consternation of my husband) if you need it.

I have two girls and what I can say that's been very frustrating for me is, as an only, I never, ever have gotten the whole "She's looking at me! She's touching me! She's insert-aggravating-action at me!" Then get up and walk away for goodness sake! Don't sit there and let the other bother you like that!

*sigh*

Those are the head against the wall moments for me with my own two.

[piper]

I am the youngest girl out of 8 children (1 younger brother). I have some sibs that insist my younger brother and I are more spoiled than the rest.

The kids were essentially divided into the "big four" and the "little four". I don't know how much birth order is involved in drive to succeed, but the older kids are certainly more "successful" in terms of professional degrees and career paths than the younger ones, but we younger ones did tend to walk our own road in terms of career paths. 2 never went to university, and none got traditional "professional" jobs. I'm the most professional if you like and I work in a field that requires I be outside 6 months of the year. I went for career satisfaction rather than $$.

Neither my younger brother or I have moved far from my parents (although I have moved away only to return on occasion), while the rest of the family seems to have fled...

There are definitely alliances amongst the sibs. The girls talk to the girls more than we do to the boys, and I'm not sure how much the boys converse to each other. Are sisters always closer than brothers?

[Nicola Cornick]

I'm really enjoying everyone's comments on how they fit into the birth order pattern. It seems there definitely is something in this - it's not just a myth!

[Mary]

As the youngest of four, let me tell you, the youngest does NOT get away with everything. That's a complete fallacy. In fact, the youngest gets blamed for things that are not her fault because the older siblings are able to make it look like she did something wrong. I was tortured as a child by older siblings who got away with everything. As a result, I began to fulfill their expectations, and turned out as the bad seed. I will confess to a serious desire to prove everyone wrong and make something of my life. However, my older siblings like to say, "Parenting goes downhill."

What I consider more important than birth order is names. Haven't you ever noticed everyone named Michael thinks he's God's gift? (The definition of the name Michael is Gift of God) Or Kathleen, for instance. Women named Kathleen are very intelligent and funny and sweet. Andrews are suave and calm and quite a presence in a room. My sisters and I adhere to this belief and we collectively will never name any of our children "Michael" (guess what my brother's name is.)

[Mary]

Mmm I should probably follow that up with a note that my eldest sibling is by far the most responsible. My middle siblings are quiet and reserved in general. I, the youngest, am loud and demand attention frequently. We're all extremely competitive and academic, so I don't think that particular aspect applies to us. Also, all three of my eldest siblings played brass instruments and attended the same college. I opted for chorus and a different school - who's the trailblazer then?

Oh yeah, and there are roughly five baby pictures of me. I think my parents just gave up trying (I understand though, four babies keeps you too busy to do anything!). I'll never forget the day my siblings went looking through their baby albums, and I went to find mine, only to realize my parents had not made one for me.

[Patricia Barraclough]

There is a lot of truth in the birth order generalizations. Both my husband and I are first born and display many of the characteristics listed. Our oldest daughter does also. I made an effort not to treat the children differently, but the middle and youngest of the three both run true to the stereotype. We nurtured individuality when raising our children and I tried hard not to repeat the things I didn't like about my childhood. They still developed the sibling order traits.

[Nicola Cornick]

I hadn't considered the influence of names before, Mary. That's very interesting. I've just looked up Nicola and found it means "victory of the people." I approve of that!

[Mary Gramlich]

My mother is an only child as well and unfortunately does live up to the stereotype. How this pampered child grew up to marry and have four children has always been a mystery to me.

I have found myself over the years tending to believe that you do follow a certain pattern based on where you are in the family especially since I am the middle child between two sisters of all things.

[Nicola Cornick]

Oh dear, it does sound as though there is some truth in the stereotypes, Mary!

[Mary Gramlich]

This is a fascinating topic and I am so glad Nicola started the chain reaction here!

I am actually a true believer of birth order not only because my mother is the only child stereotype but also because I am the mother of all male children. So I can say I have a true oldest, middle and youngest (28, 27, 25)and they have followed in the path of I am the oldest I will lead, I am the middle I will go outside the family for my success and I am the baby - spoil me. I have always wondered what a daughter would have brought to this mix. One of the most fascinating interactions has been my oldest who married an oldest child and the continual fight for who is alpha!

Dr. Kevin Leman wrote a wonderful book "Birth Order Book, The : Why You Are the Way You Are" that I have always enjoyed.